Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Reason and Confessions

Throughout my life I, like many people, have had an issue of weight. I am nearly five foot four inches tall and the most I have ever weighed myself at was 180 pounds. This of course was when I had stopped weighing myself for reasons of disbelief and disappointment. I was not always this big but in my early twenties, and coming from an athletic background, this was unheard of in my mind, at least for my life.

Looking back at some childhood pictures, I remember a video of myself with this cute little pot belly by the Christmas tree. Later in life that pot belly would be lost and in the world of skating I lost an extreme about of weight, most of it is from not eating at all or eating very unhealthy. I started eating more when I went through a very difficult time in my life and that's what landed me at 180 pounds plus in my early twenties. Since looking too frail in spandex as a teenager to feeling like a balloon in college I put my body through turmoil.

When I was 180 plus I did not care for the way I looked and it wasn't only the weight that got me but my face had not grown accustomed to the changes in my body either and therefore my skin was broken out and I felt hideous. I often wondered how anyone could ever love me. Now since I have lost the weight I am hiding myself behind the scars of stretch marks on my legs and acne that was once prevalent on my face.

I had lost the 180 plus through years of hard work, choosing a better diet and exercise, then it happened. After marriage I got pregnant. I was terrified of the weight. While in the doctor's office I held back tears as the doctor announced I was 195 pounds. I wanted to cry. I wanted the baby out of me and I only hoped the weight would come off. Once in the office I stood on the scale and the scale hit over 200 pounds. I started to panic and the nurse who was looking at my chart then at the scale was a little worried too, only to find out my husband had his foot on it, pressing down, trying to make the numbers climb. We laughed, mine was more a laugh of relief. Turns out that day I only gained about six pounds since my last visit.

After having my son, I lost 32 pounds in two weeks or three weeks (I can't remember anymore). I was breast feeding. Not only was it healthy for my son but I knew it would burn more calories. I was also under a lot of pressure to lose the baby weight. I was in the military and had six months since the time of his birth to lose it all. A normal woman it takes a year. My doctors were furious with this, but knew I had no choice. I did eat while breast feeding, but mainly slim fast as a snack during the day. Once a friend (much higher ranking then myself) in the military found out I lost so much weight in a short period of time, lectured me saying, "No matter who you are or what you've been through (giving birth or not) it is extremely unhealthy to do so in such a short period of time." I had only 9 pounds left to lose before I was at my pre-pregnancy weight.

Right before getting pregnant I was actively participating in ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) for the ARMY. I was running nearly every day, working out constantly. Those 154 pounds I had packed was muscle. I knew I would have to lose more weight then the nine left over. To qualify as being in shape for my height in the military I had to weigh 145 pounds. In my three years of military service I only met that goal once and it a few months before pregnancy when I again wasn't eating a healthy diet.

So this blog is dedicated to myself in order to get healthier, the correct way. My New Year's Resolution is to lose 15 pounds this year, of course that is if my husband and I don't conceive another child. I start my diet on Monday, January 4th. I have not weighed myself in months because I'm afraid to. I'm assuming I'm around 170-175 pounds right now. I also want to make sure I work out two hours a week. I know that's only a little bit right now but I look at how often I work out and it's a start. I'm hoping later in the year I can bump it up to three hours and progressively get better.

This blog will have personal pictures, I'm hoping I take once a week, of how I'm coming along and new goals, weights, etc. I will try and log how I've been eating, exercising, stresses, etc. All of these play a factor in my life. I will do research and post those findings as well. I will have to learn to hold nothing back and I'm hoping that I'm not overly obsessive about this like I was previously. Obviously I'll enjoy talking about weight, etc, but as you will later learn weight took control over my life at one point, whether I was too fat or too skinny. I am hoping that I will love myself and my body in a completely different way.

Also none of this would have been possible or I wouldn't have thought about posting it if it weren't for the example of my long lost friend, Footcrow. Even though you haven't read this yet, it is because of you and your wonderful example that I'm blogging about this. You give me the strength to be strong and take it to the next level. Of course I can't forget Aimee who is that happy example and such an encouragement and support. I am SO happy to start my weight loss with you, your husband and of course the support and dedication from my husband, as we all embark on this at the same time. I know the motivation from each other we will be looking good in 2010. :)


  1. Okay, so when I started reading this I thought, "Hmmm, Jen must have read Rediscovering Renae, my personal blog, but by the end I'm thinking perhaps not.

    Good luck with your goals.

  2. Nope I haven't read it yet. I actually forgot that you had that one, but I did think about it once or twice while I was writing it and thought to myself that it what I was kind of doing.